Finding Reality

My first pilot program for blogging was a dismal failure by my measure, but allowed me to re-focus my writings to things I am not weary of discussing.  Politics with religious implications are interesting to me on some level, but theories are often too pessimistic and absolute (including my own).  I would like to spend some time on topics and thoughts that relate more to my personality.

What most of my writings in forums and blogs have shown me is the disparity in personalities I have professionally or publicly verses privately.

Publicly I have found in talking to others that my personality is reserved, conservative and intimidating.  I have to admit I am a little reserved when meeting new people, clients and colleagues.  I spend a lot of time analyzing their personalities and listening to their comments and conversations in order to better know them.  I rarely ever let down my guard professionally and hold myself to a higher standard because of the responsibilities toward my employers.  This is fairly common procedure in the corporate scene, and no cause of much concern.

Conservative?  Ummm… Yes, very much so.  I may have been the only 21 year old in the world whose 401k was 100% invested in bonds during the stock market surge of the early millennium.  Sure has helped me out in the last few years though.  I have turned down several professional ventures, all but certain to succeed for a steady salary and benefits.  I guess this label is accurate.

I guess I put off an intimidating persona mostly as consequence to being conservative and reserved, as well as my size and appearance.  The last thing I am is intimidating.  In reality I’m a big soft teddy bear, who spends time avoiding eye contact during romantic or dramatic films to hide the embarrassment of tearing up from my family.

Privately I have always been a wild man.  To my friends and family I am the loud, abrasive comedian who livens up the evening and shocks those who have the unfortunate pleasure of my company.  This is a byproduct of my past life and is always an expectation during get-together’s.

Realistically my true personality is somewhere in the middle, and I am still trying to combine these worlds in a reasonable way.  I do not wish to be dry and calculating, and it’s way too exhausting and stressful to continue the other at my age.